What To Do With Hurt and Betrayal???

It's funny how there are times in life when you feel so loved and supported by your friends....and then there are times when they are inexplicably absent from your life. I suppose it is just part of the ebb and flow of the normal tide of everyone's lives rising and leveling back out. But, then there are those times when you feel you're being purposely isolated -- what then? It's an ambivalent place to be because on one hand you love and adore them, they're who you call to share things with - good, or bad. But when they hurt you in a shockingly blatant way, you suddenly find yourself floundering in a mix of emotions toward them that seem very foreign.

I had just such an incident happen to me last Sunday night. It shocked me to say the least. Mostly because I can't, in my wildest imaginings, ever picture myself treating my closest friends with such disregard. It is also extremely poor timing. We are entering the time of year when my emotions and self-esteem struggle the most with demons from my past...scars that suddenly ooze with painful memories of horrible events that caused unimaginable betrayal and hurt. It was just such events that created a bent in me to not allow myself to be vulnerable with people. So, here I am once again --fighting the urge to completely give up on people, in general.

I found myself tearfully questioning God on this.

Then, as I sat in Bible Study on Wednesday morning - I think I had a glimpse of a potential breakthrough. The words, "And you shall know that I AM the LORD your God" spoke volumes to me, as I sat there feeling very discouraged and pushed aside. God emerges front and center in our lives when we are completely blindsided by hurt, betrayal and devastation. Because He is incapable of those things. He cannot disown Himself! It is in those times that we can rest peacefully and wholly in the arms of the One who will never let us down - ever!

Later that day it hit me! God is the only one who is incapable of betraying or hurting me.....so why do I foolishly allow myself to think that those closest to me could ever be like that? They are, after all, only human - in the same way that I am. I can never be everything to everyone in my life ~ I can try, but inevitably I will fail at some point. Granted this was a deliberate thing that was done to me, but the same grace that saves my soul when I mess up, needs to be extended regardless of the intent behind the offense.

Today, is a little better. I think I am learning that forgiveness is not always an easy thing -- in fact the harder it is, the more necessary it probably is. I am working toward this...it's awful when you feel like your the victim of a carefully orchestrated plot. But with God's help I will get there. I think I can empathize with David, though, when he said in Psalms 55:12-14:

"If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it;

If a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him.

But it is you, someone like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God."

This is the toughest part ~ dealing with the ambivalence I feel because it came from ones so close and so dear to me.

A New Beginning

It has been quite a while since I've posted anything. I had major back surgery on August 17th. They put 6 screws and 2 posts into my spine and then fused the bottom 2 discs. I was in the hospital for almost a week. The whole process was very daunting and I wouldn't want to have to do it again, but I am very glad I did it! It has been a long process since I first began my battle with severe back pain.....3 years of constant pain, but 10 years of battling lower back issues.....but I am happy to report that 2 months after my surgery I am doing better than my surgeon has ever seen in any of his patients! Praise God, is all that can be said to that!!!! It is nothing short of a miracle to have such an incredible outcome.

While recovering from the surgery I was cared for by so many dear friends and family members. The countless cards, phone calls, meals, flowers, gifts and visitors were SO amazing! It was such a blessing! Thanks to all who prayed and supported me through this entire process ~ I couldn't have done it without you!

God's healing hand has truly touched me in a way that I don't deserve, but am so grateful for. He continues to blow me away with His extravagant love and grace in my life! He is SO TRUSTWORTHY...we cannot even begin to fathom it.

Psalm 62:1-2, 8

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him.

He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

Trust Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge."