18 years with a boy named Jacob Michael

Eighteen years ago today I became a mom.

I remember that day SO clearly. The excitement, the anticipation, the questions, the fears....and, of course the wondering : What will he be like? Will he be healthy? Will I be a good mommy? Who's eyes will he have? Needless to say, there are a lot of questions when you embark on the road we call parenthood. 21 hours of labor was a long time, but in the end it was definitely worth it!

Never could I have imagined how much joy this little one would bring to my heart!

Watching him grow up over the years has been quite the adventure. It's amazing how fast the years have gone by. It really doesn't seem like it's been all that long. From preschool to gradeschool to junior high and now high school I've seen him grow physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually....and I am SO PROUD of the man he is becoming! Praying over Jacob has been one of my top priorities since the day he entered this world. It is a daunting task, to say the least, when you are faced with raising a child. For me, the only thing to do was bathe his life and mine in prayer to the One who created us both. My times of prayer for Jacob, over the years, have been such a blessing! Just knowing that I could intercede on his behalf and trust that God would be faithful to both of us - NO MATTER WHAT!!!

Jacob is a testament to God's faithfulness today because of who he is. One of the things I love the most about Jacob is his incredible ability to see beyond the surface in those around him. It's like he can somehow sense exactly what others need from him, in any given situation, and then he generously gives exactly that and then some. He is a servant at heart, always. He is a strong, yet gentle leader. He has a strong desire to worship God with his whole being and an amazing voice to go with that passion!

I know God has some outstanding plans for Jacob's life. It is an exciting time when you're 18. Lots of new paths to choose from, and many opportunities to decide on. As I have done for the past 18+ years I will continue to pray over this beautiful child of mine....asking God to protect, guide, nurture and prosper him into the man He is shaping him to be. God has faithfully taken this little boy who was so filled with wonder and awe at the God who rescued Daniel from the hungry lion's and He has fashioned him into a spirit-filled, passionate seeker of Him. I know God will be faithful to complete the glorious work He began in Jacob all those years ago when he knelt in his bedroom and surrendered his life to Christ. Praise Him!

What To Do With Hurt and Betrayal???

It's funny how there are times in life when you feel so loved and supported by your friends....and then there are times when they are inexplicably absent from your life. I suppose it is just part of the ebb and flow of the normal tide of everyone's lives rising and leveling back out. But, then there are those times when you feel you're being purposely isolated -- what then? It's an ambivalent place to be because on one hand you love and adore them, they're who you call to share things with - good, or bad. But when they hurt you in a shockingly blatant way, you suddenly find yourself floundering in a mix of emotions toward them that seem very foreign.

I had just such an incident happen to me last Sunday night. It shocked me to say the least. Mostly because I can't, in my wildest imaginings, ever picture myself treating my closest friends with such disregard. It is also extremely poor timing. We are entering the time of year when my emotions and self-esteem struggle the most with demons from my past...scars that suddenly ooze with painful memories of horrible events that caused unimaginable betrayal and hurt. It was just such events that created a bent in me to not allow myself to be vulnerable with people. So, here I am once again --fighting the urge to completely give up on people, in general.

I found myself tearfully questioning God on this.

Then, as I sat in Bible Study on Wednesday morning - I think I had a glimpse of a potential breakthrough. The words, "And you shall know that I AM the LORD your God" spoke volumes to me, as I sat there feeling very discouraged and pushed aside. God emerges front and center in our lives when we are completely blindsided by hurt, betrayal and devastation. Because He is incapable of those things. He cannot disown Himself! It is in those times that we can rest peacefully and wholly in the arms of the One who will never let us down - ever!

Later that day it hit me! God is the only one who is incapable of betraying or hurting me.....so why do I foolishly allow myself to think that those closest to me could ever be like that? They are, after all, only human - in the same way that I am. I can never be everything to everyone in my life ~ I can try, but inevitably I will fail at some point. Granted this was a deliberate thing that was done to me, but the same grace that saves my soul when I mess up, needs to be extended regardless of the intent behind the offense.

Today, is a little better. I think I am learning that forgiveness is not always an easy thing -- in fact the harder it is, the more necessary it probably is. I am working toward this...it's awful when you feel like your the victim of a carefully orchestrated plot. But with God's help I will get there. I think I can empathize with David, though, when he said in Psalms 55:12-14:

"If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it;

If a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him.

But it is you, someone like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God."

This is the toughest part ~ dealing with the ambivalence I feel because it came from ones so close and so dear to me.

A New Beginning

It has been quite a while since I've posted anything. I had major back surgery on August 17th. They put 6 screws and 2 posts into my spine and then fused the bottom 2 discs. I was in the hospital for almost a week. The whole process was very daunting and I wouldn't want to have to do it again, but I am very glad I did it! It has been a long process since I first began my battle with severe back pain.....3 years of constant pain, but 10 years of battling lower back issues.....but I am happy to report that 2 months after my surgery I am doing better than my surgeon has ever seen in any of his patients! Praise God, is all that can be said to that!!!! It is nothing short of a miracle to have such an incredible outcome.

While recovering from the surgery I was cared for by so many dear friends and family members. The countless cards, phone calls, meals, flowers, gifts and visitors were SO amazing! It was such a blessing! Thanks to all who prayed and supported me through this entire process ~ I couldn't have done it without you!

God's healing hand has truly touched me in a way that I don't deserve, but am so grateful for. He continues to blow me away with His extravagant love and grace in my life! He is SO TRUSTWORTHY...we cannot even begin to fathom it.

Psalm 62:1-2, 8

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him.

He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

Trust Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge."

A tribute to my DAD

Yesterday was father's day.  I have always loved holidays that celebrate people in our lives - Mother's Day, Grandparent's Day, Anniversary's & Birthdays - because it gives you the opportunity to tell them how much you appreciate them.  So often, in our busy lives these days, we do not take the time to really express how we feel about those closest to us.  It's so important to say the things on our hearts....to let people know how much we love them and what it is we love most about them!

So, back to yesterday..........we had my parents and some dear friends join us for a BBQ.  It was great to have them here.  It was a busy afternoon of preparing food, enjoying some good wine, visiting and - of course- eating!  But, somewhere amidst all of the hub-bub of housefull of rowdy teenagers, an overactive dog and everyone else in between.....I had this overwhelming feeling of enormous  love & appreciation for my Dad.  

My Dad has always been a man of incredible sacrifice.  Most of my fondest memories of him are full of his fun-loving, self-sacrificing, kind-hearted and Christ-like heart.  I remember as a small child he would gather together all the neighborhood kids on our block and play frisbee-golf until it was so dark we couldn't even see the frisbee anymore (there were no other Dad's anywhere to be seen).  Many of these kids were unchurched at the time and he would load many of them up in our family car and drive us all to church, sunday-school, vacation Bible school and youth group events every week.  Many of these people are still walking solidly with Jesus today!  Praise God!!.......................Another thing I've always loved about my Dad is how he would strive so hard to read the Bible to us, when I was growing up.  Family devotions were a very regular occurrence in our home and most of the time, it was my Dad who would read the Bible to us and discuss spiritual truths regularly.  To this day I see my Dad as a man who sets out to be in God's Word daily, an example that I still benefit from today, as do my children................My Dad has always been the kind of guy who would give you his last dime, if you genuinely had a need for it.  I remember being on a family trip one time and  we encountered a homeless man who asked my Dad for some money.  Most people would have just walked right on by and ignored such a request from a stranger on the street - but my Dad took the man down the street and bought him a meal right then and there.  It was kind, compassionate acts like this that taught me to give to others, even when you don't HAVE to.  He has routinely been "Jesus" with skin on to many people over the years, some close friends, some complete strangers..................Dad is all about his family, too.  He loves to have his kids & grandkids around as much as possible.  He loves his family with every ounce of his being!  He has always been ready to drop everything and rush to the side of any one of us when we were in a bind, or a crisis of any kind.  Once, in college, I was rushed to the emergency room in Newberg at 3:00 am and my Dad drove 90 miles an hour to get there and be with me and make sure that I was alright.  I am certain that he would move heaven and earth, if he had to, in order to make sure that any one of our family members was okay......................My Dad is great FUN, too!  He is all about having a great time and finding a way to make ordinary things extraordinary!  He is such a kid at heart!  He has custom-designed many a scavenger hunt for me and my siblings, over the years, and I'm not too sure who had more fun on the hunt - us, or him???

So, by now you can surely tell how fond I am of my Daddy!  He is an amazing man and I truly feel privileged and blessed to have him.  He is so much more than a Dad....he's part of my foundation in Christ, he's my rock-solid support, he is the picture of unconditional love, he's my hero, and he gives the biggest, best hugs of anybody I know!    I thank God for so richly blessing me with my Dad and I pray that I will have him by my side for many, many more Father's Day's to come!

  ".....choose for yourself, this day, whom you will serve.....but as for me and my household, WE WILL SERVE THE LORD!"........................Joshua 24:15

Made to WORSHIP

"Oh for a thousand tongues to sing my great redeemer's praise!"...this is a line from a favorite hymn of mine.  I love this line, because it catches exactly how my heart feels when I'm praising God....it's like I don't have the ability to express my praise with just my one mouth (however big it may be).  The Bible says that we were created to praise God and bring Him glory & honor with every ounce of our being.  I am convinced that when we do just that, we are truly fulfilling our greatest purpose in life!  

There is no high like praising the MOST HIGH (a favorite quote from Beth Moore)!!!

One of my favorite things in all the world is walking my 4 mile route through my neighborhood while listening to my favorite praise songs.  If you were to drive past me anywhere along that route, it would not be unusual to see me with my hands held high and singing along....a bit unusual, I suppose, compared to most of the other people out walking/running -- but it is, BY FAR,  the BEST way to start the day!!!   

The beauty of worship is how God even allows us to be ushered into His holy presence.  We are fallen, sinful beings....how it is possible for us to enter His presence and not be utterly destroyed---that is amazing grace in action, right there!!!  But even more ~ once we get there God reveals Himself to us further.  He shows us His awesomeness and then fills us with more of His Spirit to revive us and give us renewed life.  We are then motivated to repentance with perpetuates us to fall on our faces in TOTAL SURRENDER and adoration of such incredible merciful God.  It is almost too much for me to comprehend.

When I see God as He is, I am in the perfect light to see myself as I really am...every possibility of human goodness flees me in the presence of God's glory.  I am humbled and therefore able to really enter into worship of my Creator and Savior.  Humility gets a bad rap in our modern-day times.  It's viewed as being weak.  But the opposite of humility is pride.  Daniel 4:37 says, "...those who walk in pride, He is able to humble."  God hates pride.  It leaves no room for Him.  It is one of the biggest obstacles that can get in the way of our relationship with Christ.  Thankfully, God is faithful to remove the obstacles when we draw near to Him and ask Him to.  Hallelujah!

Of Mice and Sin...a lesson in getting rid of "the sin that so easily entangles us"

I have always had a huge aversion to mice.  I don't know why, but they just seem to unnerve me.  It's not that they're vicious or particularly scary....they simply freak me out!  Why this random topic of mice, you ask?  Well, we recently retrieved our trailer from the barn we store it in so we could get it ready to go camping.  This is an annual ritual for us, as we always go on our first camping trip of the year over Memorial day weekend.  Much to our dismay, there was evidence that mice had been "camping" in our trailer over the winter.  They wreaked havoc all over the place, destroying things everywhere!  Mice are not clean little things and they leave a disgusting mess in their wake.  Suffice it to say that we had to clean, scrub and disinfect every square inch of our trailer.  It took the better part of 2 solid days to do it all.  What was most frustrating of all was trying to figure out how in the world they got into the trailer in the first place.  Throughout our cleaning frenzy I couldn't help but see the object lesson that was taking shape before me ---  Just like the mice in our trailer - so it is with sin in our lives.  Once we allow even the smallest bit of access for sin to take root in us, before long it runs rampant and infects everything.  Then it is imminently necessary for us to confess it sooner rather than later, or else we will have one giant MESS on our hands (and in our hearts and minds)!  Thankfully we have a Savior who died for us so that we could be cleansed and forgiven in just such times when we let our guard down and allow sin to creep in.  

"....let us throw off everything that hinders us and the sin that so easily entangles and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..." - Hebrews 12:1 & 2a

* Footnote to this story......the 3rd day of getting the trailer ready, I opened one of the cupboards in the back bedroom of the trailer to get some linens out.  This cupboard is completely separate and, we thought, totally unaccessible for the mice.  However, shortly after I opened the door, I was startled to find that there was a LIVE mouse in there running to opposite side of the cupboard!  Another lesson to be learned????  Be VERY CAREFUL to make sure you search your heart for every hint of sin.  Because just about the time you decide that it couldn't possibly affect a particular area of your life.....you may just find it, not only living there - but thriving and taking real root.

Thoughts on why I LOVE being a Mom

There have been many titles I have held over the course of my lifetime....daughter, first-born, sister, friend, grand-daughter, cousin, singer, actress, Girl Scout, student, 1st Runner-up in the Little Miss Tadpole competition, softball player (sort-of...if you count turning cartwheels in the outfield as "playing" softball), cheerleader, secretary, data-entry person, AP assistant, girlfriend, wife, sunday school teacher, bible study leader, prayer warrior.....and......, of course, MOM.  

Mom is such a small word, and yet it encompasses SO MANY titles/jobs within itself.  If you were list them all out, I doubt any woman would want the job, frankly.  But, there is nothing like hearing those words..."I love you, Mommy" - it makes your heart melt a thousand times over!

Yesterday was Mother's Day.  It was officially my 18th Mother's Day.  Honestly I can scarcely believe that fact, but it's true - I have been a mom for 18 years, now.  It has been the wildest ride of my life!  I mean that in a good way, of course.  It hasn't always been fun, or easy....but always very rewarding and I wouldn't trade a single second of any of it for ANYTHING ELSE this world has to offer me.  

For as long as I can remember I always wanted to be a mom.  I was one of those little girls who had every doll that Mattel ever made.  The ones that cried, ate, slept, wet, talked, walked and did anything else they could get them to do.  I absolutely loved playing with my dolls and Barbies...it was role-playing at its very best!  I always knew that one day I would be a mom...of course, I thought I would first be a singer on TV with a show just like Sonny & Cher or Donny & Marie Osmond.......but, thankfully, God directs our steps.

  

Having 3 teenagers now, it can be a somewhat challenging job to have these days.  They each are striving for their own kind of independence, no longer feeling the need to be attached to my hip, my leg or in my arms.  I am thrilled to see them growing & maturing into such incredible young people.  My heart overflows with love & affection for Jacob, Emily & Zachary.  I don't think I could love them more, I am so crazy about them!  They are the 3 biggest blessings of my entire lifetime and I thank God for them every single day.  I wouldn't be who I am today without them.  They have taught me just as much as I have taught them....maybe more!  

It's my prayer that the next 18 years of motherhood, for me, will be just as wonderful as the first 18 have been.  No question it will be very different from these earlier years, but I know God has great things in store and His blessings are so much more than we can ever imagine - aren't they?  Praise Him!  He is always Faithful, forever loving & never failing!!!

A Life Lesson....on this Good Friday 2009

Today, Good Friday, is probably the most conflicted day of the year for Christians.  The conflict is complex.....Being the day that Jesus Christ gave up His very life to purchase our freedom from sin and an eternity of death.  Honestly, it is the best day in history for all of mankind.  The complexity of the conflict lies in the reality that Jesus, chose to lay aside His rights as King of Kings and Lord of Lords in order to walk that long road up to the cross and die an excruciating death for we, who had no hope and no possibility of saving ourselves.  He paid such a high price for us while we were steeped and entrenched in our own sin and completely caught up in ourselves.  It is heart-wrenching for us to comprehend that kind of sacrifice.  This is grace ....unmerited favor.... undeserved mercy ....unrestrained compassion ....unfathomable love.

I can't imagine that kind of sacrifice or having the kind of resolve and purpose to actually choose to lay down my life on behalf of a sinful, fallen world that doesn't even acknowledge their need for a savior in the first place.  

This week God has given me a new insight into Jesus sacrifice that has really impacted me in a very personal way.....I received word from the surgeon, this week, that I really should have back surgery on the two collapsed discs in my lower back.  The situation, for now, is not dire or a "life and death" kind of situation....but surgery is an option and is a much better alternative than living on muscle-relaxers & pain medications.  I was somewhat frustrated with the fact that the surgeon left the ball in my court, so to speak....seemed to me it would be SO much easier to do what I was told if he just simply said, "you need surgery and you need it NOW!"  But, how do I CHOOSE to have a surgery that will leave me down flat for 2-3 months, plus another couple of months before I'm completely back to normal???    That's a tough decision to make.  Especially when it will certainly consume 4-6 months of my life (and my family's).  

I found myself questioning the Lord on this whole thing...."Why does it have to be surgery?  Why now?  Why do I have to make the decision?  Why can't it be some easier way?"  I was getting pretty overwhelmed with all the thoughts reeling through my mind.  Next, I started to second-guess everything!  "Maybe I can just wait it out for a year or two....I mean, the drugs are getting me by, for now.   I was actually entertaining the idea of waiting around indefinitely before going through with the surgery.  

Well, I got a bit of a wake-up call when I dialoged with my regular doctor about managing my pain long-term with my current med's.  It would be hazardous to my health, at best.  So there I was again, back to that heart-wrenching decisio.  When to do the surgery????  There will ALWAYS be something to be sacrificed in choosing a date - a family vacation, "once-in-a-lifetime" school activities, Zachary's football games, Emily's school play performances, Jacob's Senior year, etc, etc, etc...  On and on my list went, and further and further my excuses pushed the idea of surgery  well-into the year of 2013.  Then yesterday, as I was vaccuming my house and my back was practically convulsing with spasms, I sensed the Lord urging me to reconsider and get a date set sooner rather than later.  So I sat down and took a serious look at our family calendar.  The best scenario I could come up with was a sugery date of late July/early August.  This would allow us to still have our family camping trips with our dearest friends and get us through the busier part of the summer.  So, I presented my proposal to Mark and he agreed that it seemed like the best idea.  

It is still a tough thing to cement in stone a plan that involves such a sacrifice of a large chunk of your life....and yet as I sit here, this morning, comtemplating all that Christ chose to give up for me - it wasn't just a mere few months of His life that He sacrificed.  He gave it ALL up!  Everything.  No hold backs.  No take-backs.  No compromises.  Here I am struggling to follow-through with something as menial as a surgery!  That is NOTHING compared to death on a cross.  How petty my prayers seem about such a trivial thing.......compared to Jesus in the Garden of Gethsamane, when He prayed and asked God to take the cup of death from Him - BUT, then followed that request immediately with..."yet not my will, but thine" .  How agonizing it must've been for Him to set out on that long and painful walk up to Calvary knowing He would give it all away - willingly.  He could've taked an easier route at any moment and yet He didn't.  Because He knew there was only ONE way to make the necessary atonement for us.     

Thank you Lord, for your incredible sacrifice....how can I be silent when faced with such mercy & love?  There is nothing sweeter than Your love and forgiveness!  Help me to be so committed to You and Your plan for my life, that I will be absolutely resolved to do what You ask me to do without hesitating or backing down. Knowing that You will walk me through every step of the road You call me to follow You on.

We are "more than CONQUERORS", through Jesus!

It has been a week of endless running around from events, to appointments, to practices, to games, to anything & everything!  I have found myself overwhelmed, at times, wondering why does life have to get SO BUSY???  When you have chronic pain to deal with, it makes everything seem more difficult to surmount.  

One thing I am learning through this difficult season of my life is......how to be more dependent on God and less apt to run ahead on my own strength .  Control has always been something I like to cling to in life's circumstances.  But, honestly - between having 3 teenagers & learning to live life in constant pain....I am learning first-hand how to rely on the grace of God like never before.  It sounds pretty lame & cliche  - even as I typed those words out, just now.  But, seriously I think I am now coming to a place of realizing the good that God has accomplished in me, already, through this season of chronic pain.  What has been debilitating, frustrating and incredibly humbling - has, in fact, created a need in my soul for a much greater dependence on my merciful God who longs to have me look to Him in the first place for all that I need to make it through the day.  

For most of my life, I have had a tendency to take the easiest ways out of difficult situations in order to escape them with the least amount of scars possible.  Even when God may have been calling me to persevere and allow His plan to be worked out in & through me.  Jesus never took the easy way out....He lived His life to be poured out & broken for us every single day.  He even took it to the highest level and gave up His very life....taking on MANY scars in order to pour Himself out completely & totally!  All to save us from ourselves.

This week, in my devotions I read something out of "My Utmost For His Highest" by Oswald Chambers.  It was all about the joy that comes from being, as Paul says "more than conquerors in Christ".....it reads:  

"The surf that distresses the ordinary swimmer produces in the surf-rider the super-joy of going clean through it.  Apply that to our own circumstances, these very things - tribulations, deistresses, persecution, produce in us the super-joy;  they are not things to FIGHT!  We are more than conquerors through Jesus in all these things, not in spite of them, but IN THE MIDST OF THEM!!! Christians never know the joy of the Lord in spite of tribulation, but BECAUSE OF IT."

I love this picture of the surf-rider.  After going to Hawaii and watching the surfers out there getting slammed & tossed all over the place by the huge, daunting waves - I can't imagine being out there without the solid place to stand - Jesus, our "surf board" that is the ONLY thing that can take us clean through the fiercest wave that seems unsurmountable.  If we try to swim through it on our own....we'll inevitably be tossed into the rocks along the shore, or get swept out to sea and be totally overwhelmed by the ocean.  Yes, the joy is in the scariest part...which requires total dependence on the ONE who can get me safely to shore.  Hallelujah!  He is so GREAT....Praise Him!  He is worthy, He is awesome, HE IS MY LORD & MY GOD!

A Prayer for Mari

Yesterday was "Girl's Day" in Japan.  A national holiday that brings everyone's consolidated attention to praying for the health, happiness & character development of girls.  I did some research on the holiday so we could honor Mari, our exchange student.  I wanted her to feel special and have something to share about her culture, with us.  We get the privilege of sharing our culture with her every day....but this was a chance for her to enlighten us on something from Japan!  

I decided to take her out of school a little early and go to the Japanese Garden in downtown Portland.  They were having a special exhibit on display, of dolls, in honor of "Girls Day".   She was delighted to go!  We had a wonderful time there.  She explained to me that the exhibit was very impressive.  Usually all Japanese families have a small set of these special dolls to set out every year in honor of the holiday.  The ones they had on display were a large collection in a very elaborate setting.  She was thrilled to see them!   After we took some pictures of the display, we wandered through the garden a little - enjoying the sunny afternoon the Lord gave us for exploring.  I began to feel an incredible burden for this sweet girl, I barely knew, from Japan.  She comes from a culture of polytheists (people who believe in and pray to many gods).  How in the world is she going to find Christ in the small amount of time that she is here, in America?  The language barrier alone is a tough hurdle to overcome...let alone the fact that she has 16 years of polytheism to combat with.   

And then the Lord whispered this to me...."don't you know I have a plan?  I always do.  I AM the One who will bring her around when the time, MY TIME, is right.  I AM the One who brought the Israelites out of impossible circumstances into freedom....I AM the One who delivered My people time & time again over the course of history....I AM the One who sent My Son into the world to make the ultimate sacrifice and secure redemption for all....I AM the One who rescued you.....I AM working everything out in My  master plan, so you can rest in the promise that I AM doing this just as I always have.  You need to pray for her and do everything you can to point her to who I AM." 

I responded in my heart with, "That's it, Lord!  She needs to know You.....the one true God.......I AM!!!  You can rescue her out of the grip of polytheism - ONLY You can!  Oh, please do it Lord!  Do it soon!  I want freedom for Mari.  I want her to know the incredible mercy and grace that are hers for the taking.  Give me and my family the words, the deeds, the presence of mind to seize every opportunity.  Let us be Your instruments to tune her heartstrings into You.  Use us, Lord!"

It is incredible to me to ponder the idea that I have a relationship with the God of the universe...and He cares about me and Mari.  Words cannot express how 'at- peace' I was as we drove home from our fun outing together.  But, I definitely have a new burden in my heart for Mari.  I want to be confident that we do everything we can while we have her with us to point her to the Savior of the world.  She may not make a decision for Christ while she is with us, but at least we will plant as many seeds as God provides opportunities for.  We will trust Him to do the rest!

A Different Kind of LOVE

 "Love is PATIENT and KIND.  Love is NOT JEALOUS...NOT BOASTFUL...NOT PROUD...and NOT RUDE.  Love DOES NOT DEMAND ITS OWN WAY.  Love is NOT IRRITABLE, and it KEEPS NO RECORD OF BEING WRONGED.  Love DOES NOT REJOICE ABOUT INJUSTICE but REJOICES WHENEVER THE TRUTH WINS OUT!  Love NEVER GIVES UP, NEVER LOSES FAITH, is ALWAYS HOPEFUL, and ENDURES THROUGH EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE.....LOVE WILL LAST FOREVER!!!"     - I Corinthians 13:4-8  (NLT, paraphrased)

We've been studying the I Cor. 13 passage on love in our sermon series for the last few weeks, at church.  I have to say it has been really great to review the attributes of what love really IS....and what love IS NOT.

One thing I find very challenging in this study on love is the fact that  "love is patient" means that real love has the ability to be wronged or hurt, but not retaliate.  

This concept goes way beyond my natural human default.  It is far easier to lash out vindictively, especially when someone else has clearly done something out of line, or even sinful to me.  And yet God's Word is clearly saying that the kind of love that comes from His Holy Spirit is a love that bears the brunt of being wounded - patiently, without needing to repay the person who hurt me with something hurtful.  This is a really tough concept for my brain to wrap itself around.  I think that being victimized as a small child created a voracious need, in me, for retaliation.  No question that what happened was clearly an injustice.  But it created an emotional and mental disconnect that has caused me to quench the working of the Holy Spirit in me when hurtful things occur at the hand of others.  For me, the need for retaliation can often supersede the need for displaying Christ-like love.  But the two are VERY DIFFERENT.  Retaliation is my natural default in my human nature....but it doesn't automatically bring the restoration I need.  It may feel good for a while - but it does not heal me or the relationship involved.  It is very likely that the need for retaliation can become the default in situations where being lovingly patient is the Spirit-filled way to be.  

It is always easy to justify my cause when it involves obvious wrong-doing to me by someone else.  However, Jesus gave me the perfect example of how to be lovingly patient in this exact situation:  

I Peter 2:23    "He (Jesus) did not retaliate when He was insulted, nor threaten revenge when He suffered.  He left Himself in the hands of God, who always judges fairly."  

Jesus suffered far more than I ever have at the hands of others.  If He, who is perfect, can endure suffering at the hands of imperfect people - then I, who am imperfect, must endeavor to do the same. 

This is not the kind of love that comes easily, that's for sure.  But, if it were easy - it would not require me to rely on the Holy Spirit to make it a reality.  Love that can be given from my own strength will inevitably falter in the face of difficulty and trial.  Love that is extended from a Spirit-filled heart that entrusts itself to God, regardless of the circumstances - that is REAL, CHRIST-LIKE LOVE.

I am so grateful that my Savior extended this kind of love to me when He gave His life up to save me....when I didn't deserve it.  I have a lot to learn about what it means to love like Jesus did.  But, thankfully He is faithful to bear with me as I slowly make progress on my journey with Him.

Ponderings from a mom's heart...

There are moments in life that catch me by surprise sometimes.  Especially the ones that cause you to sit and ponder how fast life really does go.  This weekend it occured to me how much I miss having all 5 of us together, engaging one another in conversation and just plain enjoying each other.  We had a rare occasion where we all happened to be in the TV room watching some silly thing on TV...and it caused me to pause and really soak up the moment.  With three VERY busy teens in our home (plus an exchange student) it can be weeks between times that we all actually get to sit and enjoy anything with all 5 of us present and accounted for.  It is interesting how life ebbs & flows in and out of various stages along the way-----------it really wasn't all that long ago that I recall the, almost insurmountable, task of "feeding, bathing, dressing & putting into bed" three small children.  Not to mention the exhaustion (physically, mentally & emotionally) that Mark and I would be left with after all the drinks of water, trips to go potty and extra bedtime kisses & hugs that were required in every nightly ritual.   That stage gave way into the very structured segment of life that came with gradeschool.  A time when things would go pretty smoothly, sort-of like a well-oiled machine.  Lots of family time and lots of fun!  -----------And here we are,  well-into the teen years and I find myself longing for those days when things were more simple and predictable.   I SO miss being asked that familiar request of, "Mommy, can you lay down with me and talk to me until I fall asleep?", or, "Mom, come play Lego's with me!".  It can be tough on a mom's tender heart to watch her children grow up and pull away little by little.  It is how it's supposed to go, though - much to my heart's dismay.  They must grow up and become more independent.   It's exciting to watch them move on to bigger goals in life and have successes and even some defeats here and there, as they establish their own identities in the "grown-up" world.  But, how I relish those times when they long to spend some time together and just be kids.  I am so grateful to have them at all...they are truly a blessing from above!  I can't imagine life without them.  God uses them to teach me so much in life.  Sometimes I wonder who's doing more learning....me - or them?  Thankfully we are learning and growing together as God uses us to encourage and sharpen one another in the process.  This morning, I am praising God for my family.  God is good!

Real JOY!

"Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.  The Sovereign LORD is my strength...."    Habakkuk 3:18-19

This morning found me searching for scriptures on joy.  Mostly because I found myself feeling unhappy.  Circumstances that come out of an imperfect world can often drag me down and cause my spirit to feel faint.  One thing I found in my search for joy, is that real joy doesn't have anything to do with my circumstances (happiness is circumstantial)!  

The actual definition of joy is:  the emotion evoked by the prospect of possessing what you desire.

Joy is a by-product of my anticipation and hope!  My hope is in the LORD....therefore I do have joy!

Maintaining hope can be tough.  Especially when I am faced with the harsh realities of the tragically fallen world that I live in.  Daily, it seems, my children come home with a  plate-full of heavy burdens that come from simply "being in the world", and I myself bear witness to countless things in this world that break my heart.  It's times like these that I wish I had the perfect solution to "fix" the many problems we face.  But, it is by design that I do not have all the answers.  I do know the One who does.  His name is "El Roi" - He is the God who sees me  - and He sees all things, everywhere.  He is my hope......my only hope. 

Habakkuk wrestled with lots of questions in his day.  Questions of why heartbreaking things would go on and on around him in his society.  Evil and perverse ways seemed to flourish and overcome the good.....sounds a lot like the world I live in.

Daily I am faced with evidence that this world, without a doubt, needs the transformation of heart that only Jesus Christ can give.  I am an ambassador of my Savior - left here in this troubled world for the purpose of pointing the lost to my glorious, mighty God.  To give them hope.  A real and lasting kind of hope.  I will look to Jesus because, in Him, I will never be shaken....for He fills me with JOY in His presence! 

The Incredible Power of Prayer

Phillipians 4:6-7  "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus."

The past week has been a bit of a challenge.....emotionally, spiritually and physically.  Relationships have been stretched.....my faith has been tested.....my heart has nearly broken a time or two.....my mind has reeled in more directions than I can count....and, my ability to trust people has found itself floundering, to say the least.  

When life takes a sharp left and I find myself on two wheels, instead of four, the first thing I do is call on my Savior.  Only HE can bring peace to my troubled heart.  Prayer is truly a lifeline for a battered soul who is weary from the bumps and bruises of this world.  It's amazing, really - what prayer does for my spirit...even though circumstances haven't yet changed.  It is a testament to the power of God's peace that truly passes all human understanding & logic.  And for the times when I don't even have the words to articulate to the Lord?  What then?  It is comforting to know that even when I haven't the words to pray...Jesus, Himself prays for me.  The very idea that Christ lives to intercede on my behalf is almost too wonderful for me to wrap my brain around.....but the Bible says that's exactly what He's doing right now.   Praise Him! 

Jesus is my HOPE

Today I feel as though life is tossing & throwing me this way and that.  

In times like these, it is not uncommon to find myself grasping for things to steady me while I am amidst the ferocity of life's waves.  

I am so thankful that I have a God who can tether me and keep me in the palm of His hand no matter what I go through.  Life can be trying sometimes.  It is ever a reminder of the fact that this is not my home.  Yesterday in the Beth Moore video she spoke about hope and how our hope is anchored in Christ.  It occured to me today, that if you happen to place your hope in something.....ANYTHING other than CHRIST - your hope will be in vain.  Do this too many times and hopelessness will set in.  Beth made a statement about hopelessness...."Hopelessness will always make your soul sick." She gave several scriptures that talked about the connection between a lack of hope and a downcast soul.  I know what this is like.  I have been there a time or two.  Hopelessness is heart-sickening.  But, hopelessness comes straight from the pit of hell....I believe that the enemy uses it to perpetuate his plan to foil my trust in God.  Hopelessness & feelings of helplessness are weapons used to thwart my faith.  They are lies.  The quickest way to a renewed hope is to turn my focus back to Christ.  Just like when Peter was walking on the water, out to Jesus....the second he took his focus off of Jesus, he started to sink.....so it is with me.  It's easy to take my eyes of the LORD and focus on the temporal things of this earthly life and allow the overwhelming feelings of hopelessness creep in and overtake me.  Psalm 42:11 tells me to put my hope in God....that is where I can find the strength to go on and the grace I need to make it through tough times.  It is only in the presence of my mighty God that my soul will find refreshment from the weariness of life.  The bonus is that while there in His holy presence I can't help but find myself singing of His faithfulness & grace ....what else can you do when you are faced with such undeserved mercy???  There is only one response.  That is, to cry out in uninhibited worship of "El Roi" - the God who sees me, right where I'm at and pours out His lavish love on me.  Praise you, Jesus!  You are my rock & my Savior. 

Encouragement from Hebrews 3

It has been a pretty rough week & a half, or so. 

My back is definitely getting worse. 

It took me 2 hours last Wednesday just to get my groceries ( and that didn't include unloading or putting them away). There are a lot of little things that add up into harsh reality checks for me, physically.  One of the hardest parts of dealing with chronic pain, by far - is dealing with others' lack of compassion and understanding.  I hope I never get so wrapped up in myself that I can't be empathetic & compassionate on people close to me when they need it most....don't get me wrong, I'm sure that I have done this on occasion - but being where I am now, well let's just say I hope I learn from this situation and can be better about shouldering peoples burdens when they're struggling.  

Insensitivity is truly of the devil - I am convinced.  It doesn't build anyone up, it doesn't even spur you on to anything but selfishness & apathy.

How many times do I act insensitively to others around me....when the Spirit of God is clearly directing me to do otherwise?  

Why do I hesitate with regard to acting on the Holy Spirit's prompting???  Is it pride?  Is it fear?  Is just plain laziness?

Hebrew 3:13 says "Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called TODAY, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness."  I love the urgency that is put into this verse!  It suggests that if you hesitate, you won't do it because sin will creep in and deceive you into thinking it's not that big of a deal to encourage others.  The fact is a little encouragement & compassion can go a LONG WAY to helping someone take heart and feel supported & loved.....and isn't that our job, as Christian's - to help build one another up until the day of the Lord's return?

Downcast??? Put Your Hope In God!

This morning my heart is HEAVY....parenting can be tough.  Sometimes I wish God would have written an entire book of His Word on how to parent - with real-life examples and how to react, what to say, what NOT to say, how to help them learn from their mistakes, and the perfect consequences to give to them.  But, even as I write all those great reasons for a "manual" on parenting...I realize that if I had all of that at my disposal, I wouldn't be nearly so inclined to rely on God for the answers or spend as much time praying about & for my children.  Yes, God always does what is best and He has given us everything we need to make it - His GRACE is all-sufficient!

Yesterday a friend gave a verse to me from Psalm 25 (v.5).  It talks about our hope being in God ALL DAY LONG.  I love that thought...I think so many times I start out my day hoping in the LORD and then the events & dilemma's of life crowd in and overwhelm that hope.  I need to be hoping in Him constantly, not just during my morning devotions.  How much better would I parent my children if I was hoping in God continually....trusting in His Holy Spirit to do His work in me and my children, as we go along?

The following is my own version of Psalm 25 - my prayer this morning.....

To You O LORD, I lift up my soul, for it is You alone that I trust.

Do not let my children be put to shame or let the evil one have any victory in their lives.

Give Jacob, Emily & Zachary tremendous hope in You, that they may experience real peace in their hearts.

Show me Your ways, LORD, teach me to follow You into Truth.  

You are my Savior and my hope is in You constantly.

God, You are good and upright and You guide the humble into Your will.

Help my children to fear You all the days of their lives, that they may know the benefit of Your blessings forever.

All Your ways, O LORD, are loving and faithful. 

For the sake of Your name, LORD, forgive me when I stumble and lose my focus on You. 

Help my eyes to be ever on You, LORD, for only You can pick me up again.

Turn to me, and strengthen my spirit, God, for I am lonely and weak from the afflictions of this world.

Trouble multiplies all around me, daily - but You, O God are quick to answer my call.

You guard my life and lives of my children.  

Rescue us, LORD; Give us the faith to put our trust in You and take refuge in the shadow of Your wings.

May integrity and uprightness protect us because our hope is in You!

Amen!

A Lesson on Character....learned from my son

Last night we went to Jacob's basketball game at Valley Catholic.  It was a great game!  We ended up winning in OT by one point.  At halftime, however, I found myself irritated & frustrated because Jacob was the only player who hadn't been put in by the coach yet.  At this point I was wishing I had a more vocal son...that he would stand up for himself and mention to the coach he hadn't played yet.  Well the second half went the exact same way...and with 3 minutes left in the game we had lost our 18 pt. lead and were now trailing by 3.  We had 2 guys foul-out and the coach finally put Jacob in with 2.04 minutes to go.  We ended up going into overtime and winning.

Now, all that to say I was sad for Jacob cause he hardly got to play - and he LOVES basketball & his team.  But, when I inquired about the reason he didn't play he replied, "Mom, coach just forgot to put me in...it was an intense game and he just wasn't aware."  I asked him why he didn't speak up and he said that the coach gets frustrated when the players complain about playing time.  He also said that one of the boys who fouled out (a boy who has a reputation for a bad attitude) sat down next to Jacob, after fouling out, and started complaining about the referee's "bad calls" and began moping & muttering about how we were sure to lose now.   Jacob promptly turned to him and said, "Look, I haven't played once this entire game, but I have sat here and faithfully supported our team anyway...so you have 2 choices, dude- you can either sit here and have a bad attitude and bring everybody down, or you can choose to support your team.  But frankly, I don't want to sit here and have to listen to your whining!"

Now I don't know what that boy thought about what Jacob had to say, but I almost cried when I heard those words....I'm crying now, even as I'm typing them out.   I am so proud of the man he is becoming...the man God is shaping him into.  He gets it!  He had a better attitude than I did, that's for sure.  

This is one of the things I am so captured by in Jacob....he is utterly unconcerned with titles, recognition or earthly acknowledgement.  He would rather have the spiritual blessing & Christ-like character.  Glory to God!  I am so thankful that God is faithful to will & to work in my children's lives and accomplish His transforming work by His Holy Spirit.  

14 Years???

How in the world did my baby get to be 14 so quickly?  

Seriously, it is so heartbreaking to find that your children grow up in a flash!  

It's especially difficult when you absolutely LOVE everything about your kids & watching them discover and learn about themselves, life, & God.

Yes, Zachary Joseph turned 14 this week (on the 2nd, actually - he is my little groundhog).  As I was praying for him, this week, I was remembering some of the things that make him so dear to my heart.....As a baby, he was the most content of the three and LOVED to be snuggled up close and rocked - I think the Lord gave him that ability just for me.  Being my last one, God knew I would need a snuggler!......As a toddler, he so loved to be read to.  This fueled his imagination, I think.  He was always very imaginative and boy, did he love his superheroes!  From Bibleman to Batman & Robin - he knew just how to play the part of each one!....As a gradeschooler, he was quick to learn and SO SMART!  He still loved to play, though - and he could play with the silliest little thing and keep himself contentedly occupied for hours.  From paper clips to rocks to rubber bands or even a pinecone & a stick.  It always astounded me the kind of imaginative play he could create!....He was always the 'King of one-liners'  & still is to this day.  He regularly cracks us all up with his sharp, witty little quips about everything.....As a young adolescent, now, I see him narrowing his fields of interest a little bit.  He absolutely loves adventure!  I think he would be content to be a backpacker/mountain climber/kayaker, etc. for the duration of his life.  Sports is still a huge component, though - and he's got great natural talent when it comes to sports.  Hopefully he can find a career in between all that, somehow.  

I see him gaining such strides as a child of God - his faith is deep and well-rooted (ptl).  He's always been a deep thinker and often brings up questions or thoughts that I often need to take a second to think about.

So that, in a nutshell, is my precious little Zach-man.  I love him to pieces and pray that God will continue to grow him up strong in his faith, and he will seek the Lord all the days of his life. 

Issues of the Heart

What are you supposed to do when you feel you're not being heard?  

Whether someone else purely doesn't get how you really feel, or they simply choose not to "hear " what it is you have to say because they know they will have to change their behavior and do things they don't feel are part of their agenda.  

It's a lot harder when that person is someone close to you....someone who should be concerned about your feelings and desire to work with you.  

I've never been good at consistently sharing my feelings about things that bother me.  I don't know why....it could be because many times I am invalidated when I do share them...or....maybe it's because I want so much to please the people who are close to me so I don't feel compelled to 'upset their apple cart'.  

This is something I would like to change about myself....but am at a loss as to how to do it.

I love Micah 6:8 - "God has shown you what is good and what He requires of you...to do things that are just and right, to love mercy and walk humbly with Him".  Jesus did exactly that.  This is how we are to be in our daily lives.  If we follow this pattern, no matter how it's received by others, God will honor our faithfulness.  The key is to do it in a humble, godly manner.

This is my prayer today...that I can be faithful to the One who calls me - God looks at the heart, while we see merely what is on the outside.  I want to be one who has a pure heart before God.  This is where change begins!

 

Life Is Hard...sometimes!

This weekend was incredibly BUSY!  

Yes, Jacob & Emily had their Homecoming night & respective dates on Saturday.  I wasn't able to be at Jacob's dinner to get pictures of he & his date, but I did go and get photo's of my little girl and her date, Jacob Wolfe.  It was surreal, to say the least....do you ever have moments that hit you from out of nowhere, and suddenly you feel as though a huge lapse of time & change has abruptly occured and somehow you were blatantly left out of it all???  Well, that is the very thing I came face-to-face with as I focussed my camera on my sweet daughter Saturday night.  She looked beautiful, of course and I was dumbfounded over how grown-up she was. 

Sunday found me getting up at the crack of dawn....after going to bed at nearly 1am.  The second I stood up, I knew it was going to be a tough day, physically.  My back was in complete spasm for the better part of the day....so much so that throughout the first service @ church, I felt as though my body was uncontrollably convulsing, at times.  Add that to the fact that yesterday some dear friends had some very difficult news revealed about them.  It was a tough thing to watch and process.  It's always a challenge to your faith when decisions are made in a manner that is contrary to what you believe to be fair, and then things are handled in a way that doesn't appear to be completely forthright & truthful.  My spirit was very down-trodden yesterday, because of it.  This is one of those times in life when I am reminded that I live in an imperfect world.  Thankfully Jesus has already overcome the world, and in the end His justice will prevail here!

Letting Go

Last night at Jacob's basketball game a woman introduced herself as the Mom of one of Emily's friends.  She then proceeded to inform me that Emily was planning to go to her house on Sat. to get ready for Homecoming and her date (first one) with a bunch of other girls.  This woman was inviting me to join she and some other parents for appetizers and drinks while the girls were primping and taking pictures.  I was completely caught off guard!  Everything in me wanted to scream "Are you kidding me?"  Doesn't my little girl want to get ready for her first official date at home with me and my help???  The idea of socializing with a bunch of other adults that I don't even know while my daughter prepares for a milestone moment in her life three rooms down the hall?....well let's just say this is NOT what I had imagined in my heart.  

All the way home I was desperately trying to sort out my emotions.  Thankfully Emily was not in the car - or I might have grounded her for life (kidding)!  But I have to say it is a bit surreal to have your sweet little baby just grow up in a heartbeat and want so much independence from you without even batting an eyelash!  Then it hit me....this is how it's supposed to be - isn't it?  My job as a mom is to raise her as best as I can so she can begin to pull away in healthy independence and do things on her own.  Something tells me that when my children begin to live out their independence, it's rarely going to look like I thought it would - good or bad.  Just because she isn't just like me or doesn't do things exactly as I would have at her age, or want her to....that really doesn't make these experiences bad - they're just a lot different than I had expected.  

Unmet expectations are tough to deal with sometimes, aren't they??  "Hope deferred makes the heart sick"  is what Proverbs says and that can be the case at times in life.  So it is always best to HOPE IN THE LORD...because that hope will never be deferred or leave you wanting.  Letting go can be a tough one for a mom who loves her children with all her heart....but you're not merely letting go - you're LETTING GOD take them and run with them.  That little "d" you add to make 'go' into 'God'  stands for dependence, my dependence on HIM, her dependence on HIM....it also stands for deepening - the deepening of my faith and my trust in MY MIGHTY GOD who is FAITHFULL AND TRUE!  So tonight I'll be trusting Him.

Ponderings...

Luke 2:19 "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart."

I have always loved this portion of Scripture...I suppose it's because I'm such a sentimental person.  I love to recall & remember the experiences of life....whether good, bad, fun, difficult, exciting, sorrowful or just plain mundane.  I think Mary's example is worthy to be noted.  There is always something for us to take and ponder from the life that God gives us.  He is always changing us, blessing us, teaching us, always giving us the grace we need to make it through life. 

This blog is simply my way of recounting the undeserved grace-filled life that God has so mercifully given to me...it will most likely be a combination of ramblings from an ordinary woman/wife/mom/...but I am forever grateful to be each one of those things!   It will also be a palette for a "girl who has been saved by grace" to paint a portrait of God's gloriousness for all to gaze upon.  He is my strength and MY SONG....and I will FOREVER SING HIS PRAISES!!!